back-made-out-of-board-man

Mike: what are you doing Ry?
Ry: sitting
Mike: meditating to attain oneness with the universe? My fucking back is killing me, dude
Ry: Me too. Trying to figure out how to microwave my back muscles.
Mike: old. We're old.
Ry: It sucks.
Mike: think about when we're 50. It's gonna blow
Ry: I know right?
Mike: I just had to bend down to put something in the dishwasher and I felt like an elderly person
Ry: can't twist right now, like at all
Ry: without wanting to die
Mike: I can't bend. Together, we create a board.
Ry: LOL
Mike: back-made-out-of-board-man. With your powers combined, I will stand here straight.
Ry: we could use our powers to make a plank...for like...making half a ramp for a car
Mike: lol. a small section of a bridge. A pedestrian bridge.
Ry: lol, we're pretty awesome.

On getting dual citizenship

Mike: anyway I can get citizenship in like a year then I can get a red passport and conservative Americans will start becoming distrustful towards me.
Ry: LOL so can you keep both?
Mike: yeah
Ry: sweet, then you can use both lines in airports
Mike: I'll probably join a Marxist society, maybe become a registered socialist voter when I move back, see how long it takes the CIA to fuck me up.
Ry: Then when I'm a spec ops dude I can go in and rescue you
Mike: I think I'll probably run to South America when I need to escape..I'm sure there aren't extradition agreements SOMEWHERE down there.
Ry: lol, probably but do they have good internet?
Mike: You don't need internet when you have cocaine, chocolate, corn, edible guinea pigs and zip lines through the jungle.
Ry: but wouldn't you want to upload those sweet videos to youtube? Like here's me doing cocaine while eating chocolate and flying through the forest on a zipline.
Mike: satellite connection maybe...

jcrew, llbean, Twilight

Ry: lol i was looking at this coat from jcrew. "oh that's nice. maybe i'll get this one." it's $800 fing dollars
Mike: lol
Ry: why?! does it come with a netbook inside?
Mike: LOL

Ry: I didn't know jcrew was so expensive. I'm just looking for a coat that isn't crazy. Simple, plain. Every coat at the Gap was weird. 

Mike: um yeah when I looked up jcrew on google, the first word used in the title tag is cashmere, that's a clue right there. 

Ry: Every coat at llbean was too "i'm going hiking" looking. 

Ry: Just a wool type coat.

Mike: yeah

Ry: nothing on it, regular color, not plaid.

Mike: llbean is like...I live in Maine. I fish for lobster. I'm moderately rich. I wear stretchy pants.

Ry: LOL

Later, after sharing a link...

Ry: I'm thinking this one even though it's over 200. It should last a while. It has thinsulate in addition to it being wool. Of course I won't pop my collar like that douche.

Mike: Yeah kinda reminds me of the guy from Twilight

Ry: I'll do that for halloween.

Mike: You're totally not white enough for that

Ry: I'll use way too much gel to make my hair go in every direction and I'll pop my collar

Mike: lol, put glitter on as well

Mike: and some of that bird shit Japanese women put on their faces

Ry: LOL

Hallmark

Mike: Fuck I hate the hallmark website
Ry: lol why?
Mike: I'm sending out cards, right? Well I want to send the same effing one to everyone, but I want to change the names in the cards. In order to do that you've got to keep adding one at a time and pasting the text back in.
Ry: lol
Mike: If you try to send a single card to a vast amount of recipients, you can't even add in their names.
Ry: That's lame. Bad design.
Mike: Yeah it doesn't make sense. They offer a mailing service but the only way you can really do this in a decent way is to have them all sent to you so you can personalize them but if you're me you left it too late and you have to go through pain on the site adding one at a time.
Ry: lol
Mike: 2 more.
Ry: lol hang in there maik
Mike: Gotta add fucking kid names in all of the time now too. Can't forget the babies lacking in any human qualities. As if they give a shit about my card.
Ry: LOL Mike it's not their fault. Don't take it out on the babies.
Mike: I know, but people take their own kids too seriously. "Oh no you didn't include my thoughtless baby. My thoughtless baby will hear about this in the future when he/she learns to think!"

Pain au chocolat

Mike: what did you get?
Ry: pain of chocolate
Mike: ah yes
Ry: and pecan roll
Mike: I love chocolate pain
Ry: it's the only kind of pain I like
Mike: yeah
Mike: although one must conclude that we also enjoy psychological pain by the way that we cling to our earthly possessions and ideals
Ry: lol true

Evangelist

Mike: I would make an awesome evangelist. I'd probably be way richer as well
Ry: lol you should
Mike: stupid impractical moral code

Babies

Ry: myfirstfail.com - 'born to rock' is hilarious
Mike: lol
Ry: that baby is crazy fat
Ry: I want to roast her over a fire
Ry: so delicious
Ry: smother that Polish sauce over her
Ry: mmmmm
Ry: so fatty and delicious
Mike: You could farm babies and eat them. No trouble, no special livestock feed, you could just use regular houses. Probably pretty green.
Ry: lol

Interoffice intercontinental pneumatic tube system

Ry: It takes a week for anything to get there from the states.
Mike: That blows.
Ry: Yeah.
Mike: They need a tube. One of those interoffice ones but way faster. It's got to slow down at the end, though, or else everything will break and people will get hurt.
Ry: They could make it cheap to operate by making the air pressure provided by humans. Just a bunch of people blowing into the tube.
Mike: lol that's fucking lame, they'd all pass out. I get light-headed blowing up one of those air mattresses.
Ry: lol

Lead holders

Ry: I went to office depot and they had nothing
Mike: paper and staplers?
Ry: they had lead holders, but no blue lead
Mike: lol lead holders. They should be called lead holsters and then you could have lead fights at high noon.
Ry: then after fighting you can eat lead
Mike: lol
Ry: or you do that during the fight
Mike: if you get one in you then you need a lot of whisky
Ry: lol yeah after drinking lots of whisky you can pretty much pull anything out of your body
Mike: if it's like an arrow, then you might need gunpowder so you can push it through the other side and cauterize the wound at the same time
Ry: Maybe if you drink lots of whisky you could pull something huge out. Like gored by a bull.
Mike: ooh, yeah.
Ry: Like it's still "in" you. Drink a bottle and pull it out along with your spleen or something.
Mike: Like you got gored by a bull, but you need whisky and gunpowder because its horn is barbed and you need to pull the entire bull through you.
Ry: LOL
Mike: That's a good one. Like the dude was doing bullfighting or did that running of the bulls thing or something...then he gets gored and everyone is like, "Dude get up, get away!" (only in Spanish) and he's all calm and he says, "Get me some whisky and some gunpowder. His horn is barbed. I'm gonna have to pull him through the other side."
Ry: lol

Yankee Candles

Mike: The house smells like pork and butter.
Ry: mmmmm. Do you think Yankee Candles makes a pork and butter scented candle?
Mike: no.

Mannequin

Ry: Watching mannequinnnniueneneneniui. You know.
Mike: no. What is that?
Ry: The 80s movie.
Mike: Oh. That movie is shit.
Ry: It's awesome. I'm gonna download the theme song.
Mike: no.
Ry: It's already downloading.
Mike: stop it.
Ry: want me to sing it to you?
Mike: no.
Ry: and we can build this thing together
Ry: standing strong forever
Ry: nothing's gonna stop us now
Mike: no.
Ry: It's such a motivating song. Awesome, iTunes went right from "nothing's gonna stop us" to "right here waiting" by Richard Marx.
Ry: I hear your voice
Ry: on the line
Ry: but it doesn't stop the pain
Mike: you're lame
Ry: but mike
Ry: I will be right here waiting for you
Mike: lol stop.

The history of Christianity

Ry: I'm watching part 3 of the history of christianity.
Mike: Has Jesus started killing people yet?
Ry: Not yet.

Sexy animals

Mike: Ry. What is the sexiest animal?
Ry: I dont know, what?
Mike: I'm asking you. We had a discussion about it outside school the other day.
Ry: Other than human?
Mike: Yeah. Think about what animal people consider sexy.
Ry: Bestiality people?
Mike: lol no. Just the general population, but you can answer that one too. I dunno what the most popular bestiality animal is.
Ry: panther
Mike: Panther. Well, yeah that's close enough. Cat. You know, girls for some reason always dress up as sexy cats for Halloween, etc.
Ry: With salamander in a close second.

Butter and black ops

Ry: I <3 honey butter
Mike: Hey are you black ops yet?
Ry: Not yet. Almost.


Later....


Ry: Have you heard of brown butter?
Mike: Does it have poo in it?

Survival school

Mike: Mmmm, delicious banana slug.
Ry: WTF?! Did they eat one?
Mike: Yeah
Ry: I'm out. Not doing it.
Mike: THAT is where you draw the line? Not eating a cow's testicle or eyeball?
Ry: Yep.

Moose

Ry: Dude, there are bear and moose.
Mike: Yeah, so?
Ry: They will eat me.
Mike: Moose wander into towns all of the time. They're nothing. Just stay away from them.
Ry: I'm surprised you don't know moose eat people.

On buying a netbook online

Mike: I wish you could pick no OS.
Ry: yeah.
Mike: Option number 3 - No thanks, I'll pirate my own.
Ry: LOL. HP does that.
Mike: lol do they say that same option? The pirate one?
Ryan: no.

World Pastry Domination

Mike: Maybe I'll go get some food. Pastries.

Ry: A want a burger. A big juicy one made from cows that were mistreated and fed things that are bad for the environment. Raised in South America, shipped to Europe then shipped to the States.

Mike: I want one made from the most pampered cow on earth, like it's so obese because it never even moves and it has slaves and eats only organic brioche or something.

Ry: Ooh, yeah.

Mike: Pastry fed animals, I think that's a good idea.

Ry: I want one that the farmer decimated a huge portion of the rain forest to make pasture for this one cow.

Mike: Maybe pastry fed chickens which lay eggs for pastries which are fed again to the chickens until they're basically just laying things that taste exactly like pastries. Then take those eggs, make some more pastries, then feed them to pigs and then feed them to each other until they taste really awesome and then make some of those roast pork buns with them.

Ry: The most magical animals on the planet, pastry roast pork bun pigs.

Mike: Oh, and when you use those eggs for like French toast or pancakes they'll be crazy awesome. All of the carcasses of all of the delicious animals get ground up to make fertilizer for a field of wheat which will be used to make flour for pastries, bread and other baked goods.

Ry: So awesome. We should do this.

Mike: It will get to the point where people will pass out when they walk past the pastries. We'll be able to gain political power, probably.

Ry: Oooh.

Mike: And then we'll control the whole planet's food supply and make it all circular with pastries and stuff in mind and the highest form will be the pastries with chocolate and that creamy custard stuff in them and people will weep with joy when they see us.

Ry: LOL

Mike: And they'll fall to their knees. And they'll hear the angel voices and basically our lives will be sweet.

Ry: They'll toss flowers and babies at us, but only cute babies. Not the fucked up googly-eyed ones.

Mike: Yeah ugly babies wil be discarded like on Willy Wonka with the Eggdicator. Bad eggs go down the chute to the furnace.

Ry: We won't even use them to fertilize our fields.

Mike: I've realised this sounds a bit like eugenics now, and we sound a bit like Nazis.

Ry: But Nazis didn't have magical pastry animals. We're the good guys!

Mike: Oh Holy Mike, the stars are brightly shiiiiining. It is the night of our dear saviour's birth. FAAAAALLL on your KNEEEEEEEEES! Oh HEEEEEAAAAAR the angel VOOOOIIIIICES! Oh MIIIIIIIIIIKE DIVIIIIIIINE!

Ry: LOL. Oooooh niiiight when pastry pork bun pig was boooooorn.

Mike: There will be huge cathedrals for us, and we won't go there very often because it will be boring, but they'll have to.

Ry: With pics of us done in HUGE stained glass windows.

Mike: We'll just go there when we're on vacation or whatever and take photos of the interior. Ooh creepy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Eugenics_congress_logo.png

Ry: I need to save this chat so if one of us does become some crazy dictator we can look back on our beginnings and write a book. See, we're just trying to make it better for everyone! I wonder if that's what all those crazy people were really thinking. It's hard to believe that someone could be that insane.

Mike: I don't think anyone ever thinks, 'Oh, I'm gonna be evil.'

Ry: True

Mike: They always do stuff out of self preservation (usually an extremely inflated instinct for survival) or because they think they're making it better for people (usually a specific group, which becomes the only group which matters to them).

Ry: All that came about from us talking about eating.

Mike: Yeah.