The Pied Piper of Snakes

Mike: mmm mouse

 Ry: it must be really hard to swallow

  first because it's bigger than your head

  then because of all the hair. it must absorb all your saliva

1:43 AM so your mouth is really dry

 Mike: yeah

 Ry: and it's hard to swallow

 me: I think it must blow to be a snake

  you're so fucked while you're swallowing and after you eat

 Ry: lol

 Mike: I'd just starve myself

  or eat tiny things

  bugs

1:44 AM Ry: yeah

 Mike: baby shrews

  baby mice

 Ry: instead of eating the mouse i'd secretly follow it back home and eat it's babies

 Mike: lol yeah

 Ry: we'd be awesome snakes

 Mike: haha

  I'd just sit there and eat one at a time over a few days

 Ry: lolol

1:45 AM go out and bring back food for them

 Mike: haha

 Ry: read them bed times stories then eat one once they fell asleep

1:46 AM Mike: I'd hostage them, tell the mouse mother it has to bring food, just sit there and be like 'you're not doing well enough, another dies.'

 Ry: LOL

 Mike: lol reading stories

  when they wake up, they're all, 'where is timmy?!'

 Ry: he was bad yesterday

1:47 AM the boogie man got him

 me: haha monsters took him, cuddle up close to me and I'll protect you

 Ry: lol

 Mike: climb in my mouth and go to sleep, you'll be safe in there

 Ry: lolol

  i hope i'm a snake in my next life

1:48 AM Mike: lol

  if you get there early enough they won't be able to see and they'll be all pink..then maybe when they can see they'll imprint on you and be all like, oh hi mom

 Ry: lololol

1:49 AM Mike: and you can go around to all the mouse dens and do that

  and have a trail of them following you

 Ry: the freakin pied piper of snakes

 me: like the pied piper snake with a mobile food supply

  LOL

  yeah

 Ry: LOL

Dances with Rocks

Ry: hai

 Mike: hi

 Ry: watching tap dancing

  i should find a tap school

  i'm in the south

4:22 PM Mike: the bad thing about tap dancing is that there is never a suitable opportunity to do it outside of a dance class or an old style musical show

 Ry: no, i'm just going to wear the shoes around every where i go

 Mike: but like, nobody knows how to do it so you can't just ask people to do it

  and it isn't like salsa where there are clubs for it

4:23 PM Ry: i'm just going to do it

  i mean like first learn it

  from some really awesome black guy

 Mike: lol

  why is it always black guys?Ry: because they're the coolestMike: lol

4:24 PM you'd probably be the first pacific islander to do it, never seen anyone non white or black do it

  lol

 Mike: you never see native americans tap dancing

 Ry: lol true

 Mike: or people from south america

4:25 PM they'd probably think it was shit because it wasn't fiery enough

  

 Ry: lol

  south americans only do sexy shit

 Mike: yeah

 Ry: like tango or samba or something

 Mike: they have to rub on each other and have legs showing and wear tight clothing

 Ry: LOL

4:26 PM now i'm watching samba vidoes

 Mike: they are physically incapable of not being sexy

 Ry: lol

  it pisses me off

 Mike: white people are physically incapable of BEING sexy

 Ry: LOL

4:27 PM Mike: our native dances were killed off by christianity and puritanical beliefs

 Ry: fucking religion

 Mike: I always wonder what we would have turned out like if it wasn't for rome and those bastards over there

 Ry: you were oppressed by the other man

4:28 PM Mike: yeah because I think ancient white culture in western europe was much more free and wild, sex for everyone, marriage not required.

  

 Ry: yeah

  when you were worshiping trees and berries and shit

 Mike: lol yeah

4:29 PM and huge erect penises

 Ry: lol

 Mike: and....dunno...horses

 Ry: lolol

 Mike: and rocks

  a lot of rock stuff

4:30 PM lets carry rocks really far, kind of thing

  all of the old societies loved to carry around rocks and make gigantic rock calendars

 Ry: yeah that was probably the least sexy thing they did

Racial

Mike: How come there is no white tourist industry? Like why don't Africans or Asians come watch us do our taxes or something?
Ry: LOL
Mike: we need to get on that shit
Ry: have some cubicles behind plexiglass walls. Tourists can come and watch taxes being done. Tap on the glass
Mike: lol
Ry: watch some nasty tax preparers doing it
Mike: we can graduate to other things like star trek conventions and ivy league schools
Ry: lol
Mike: On Star Trek Voyager, they have a black vulcan.....it's weird. Like, I dunno. Why do the alien species have to have the same races? Are there asian vulcans? I wonder....You never really see many variations on klingons though. They're all just kinda brown with brown hair. You never see a redheaded freckly klingon. Probably because they're too weak to survive.
Ry: lol true. Like what about the blue aliens? Are there different shades of blue
Mike: the ones with the antennae things?
Ry: do the darker ones oppress the lighter ones?
Mike: lol. They have a lot of the blue aliens with the antennae on Star Trek Enterprise
Ry: i never really watched it
Mike: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:ProvingGround1.jpg They all have white hair and the same colour skin.
Ry: lame. Those ones killed all the ones that were different. Racist aliens.
Mike: lol

back-made-out-of-board-man

Mike: what are you doing Ry?
Ry: sitting
Mike: meditating to attain oneness with the universe? My fucking back is killing me, dude
Ry: Me too. Trying to figure out how to microwave my back muscles.
Mike: old. We're old.
Ry: It sucks.
Mike: think about when we're 50. It's gonna blow
Ry: I know right?
Mike: I just had to bend down to put something in the dishwasher and I felt like an elderly person
Ry: can't twist right now, like at all
Ry: without wanting to die
Mike: I can't bend. Together, we create a board.
Ry: LOL
Mike: back-made-out-of-board-man. With your powers combined, I will stand here straight.
Ry: we could use our powers to make a plank...for like...making half a ramp for a car
Mike: lol. a small section of a bridge. A pedestrian bridge.
Ry: lol, we're pretty awesome.

On getting dual citizenship

Mike: anyway I can get citizenship in like a year then I can get a red passport and conservative Americans will start becoming distrustful towards me.
Ry: LOL so can you keep both?
Mike: yeah
Ry: sweet, then you can use both lines in airports
Mike: I'll probably join a Marxist society, maybe become a registered socialist voter when I move back, see how long it takes the CIA to fuck me up.
Ry: Then when I'm a spec ops dude I can go in and rescue you
Mike: I think I'll probably run to South America when I need to escape..I'm sure there aren't extradition agreements SOMEWHERE down there.
Ry: lol, probably but do they have good internet?
Mike: You don't need internet when you have cocaine, chocolate, corn, edible guinea pigs and zip lines through the jungle.
Ry: but wouldn't you want to upload those sweet videos to youtube? Like here's me doing cocaine while eating chocolate and flying through the forest on a zipline.
Mike: satellite connection maybe...

jcrew, llbean, Twilight

Ry: lol i was looking at this coat from jcrew. "oh that's nice. maybe i'll get this one." it's $800 fing dollars
Mike: lol
Ry: why?! does it come with a netbook inside?
Mike: LOL

Ry: I didn't know jcrew was so expensive. I'm just looking for a coat that isn't crazy. Simple, plain. Every coat at the Gap was weird. 

Mike: um yeah when I looked up jcrew on google, the first word used in the title tag is cashmere, that's a clue right there. 

Ry: Every coat at llbean was too "i'm going hiking" looking. 

Ry: Just a wool type coat.

Mike: yeah

Ry: nothing on it, regular color, not plaid.

Mike: llbean is like...I live in Maine. I fish for lobster. I'm moderately rich. I wear stretchy pants.

Ry: LOL

Later, after sharing a link...

Ry: I'm thinking this one even though it's over 200. It should last a while. It has thinsulate in addition to it being wool. Of course I won't pop my collar like that douche.

Mike: Yeah kinda reminds me of the guy from Twilight

Ry: I'll do that for halloween.

Mike: You're totally not white enough for that

Ry: I'll use way too much gel to make my hair go in every direction and I'll pop my collar

Mike: lol, put glitter on as well

Mike: and some of that bird shit Japanese women put on their faces

Ry: LOL

Hallmark

Mike: Fuck I hate the hallmark website
Ry: lol why?
Mike: I'm sending out cards, right? Well I want to send the same effing one to everyone, but I want to change the names in the cards. In order to do that you've got to keep adding one at a time and pasting the text back in.
Ry: lol
Mike: If you try to send a single card to a vast amount of recipients, you can't even add in their names.
Ry: That's lame. Bad design.
Mike: Yeah it doesn't make sense. They offer a mailing service but the only way you can really do this in a decent way is to have them all sent to you so you can personalize them but if you're me you left it too late and you have to go through pain on the site adding one at a time.
Ry: lol
Mike: 2 more.
Ry: lol hang in there maik
Mike: Gotta add fucking kid names in all of the time now too. Can't forget the babies lacking in any human qualities. As if they give a shit about my card.
Ry: LOL Mike it's not their fault. Don't take it out on the babies.
Mike: I know, but people take their own kids too seriously. "Oh no you didn't include my thoughtless baby. My thoughtless baby will hear about this in the future when he/she learns to think!"